John Elway is a Huge Douche

There is nothing like hating a quarterback. No matter which one you hate, every little thing they do just pisses you off. Any attention they get from the media makes you want to kick puppies; and they never seem to get called out for any shitty or lucky plays either. It's maddening.

I started watching football towards the end of the 1989 season. I was 6 yrs old. I loved reading the standings in the newspaper, I loved watching Sportscenter, I loved playing Tecmo, I loved everything football. There was one thing I hated. I hated that horse toothed, dumb walking, stupid orange ugly-uniform'd piece of crap John Elway. I remember watching his games and, pretty much no matter who he played, rooting for the other team with all I had. I remember the 1989 AFC Championship vs. the Browns and the 1991 Divisional Playoff vs. the Oilers as two games that made me so angry I got a headache from clenching my teeth which often lead to tears. It wasn't the headache that made me cry it was that old ugly prick winning the game.

Point being here is that Quarterbacks are such a pollarizing position that, hell, even a first grader could feel complete and utter hate towards one stupid douche.

So here's what I did: I asked five of my best football-knowledge friends to write about why they hate a given QB. I gave them no structure whatsoever. This could be as long or as short as they desired. It could be filled with vulgarities, statistics, personal attacks - whatever. The assignments were as follows:

Glassman - The Manning Bros.
Ponch Diggity - Philip Rivers
Dustin - Ben Roethlisberger
Reilly & Gumby - Brett Favre
Dan - Tom Brady

The Favre ones are yet to come in but those guys are both super busy so here is what we got so far.

These make for a good read, enjoy...

Peyton Manning - written by Glasssman

"Peyton Manning is the greatest QB to ever play in the NFL".

It's a sentence that only two types of people could possibly utter and not be joking. The first are of course Colts fans. God bless them. The second are people who know as much about football as I do about quantum warp drives. NOTHING.

Now don't get me wrong. Peyton is a good QB. Good, yes. Great? No. There just aren't that many top notch QB's in the league right now - so you have every sports show licking Peytons ball bag and exaggerating everything he does like he just cured aids and stopped world hunger. It's retarded. It makes me hate the guys guts.

And for the love of all that is football, can anyone tell me why every other commercial involves this guy? Apparently someone missed the fact that for every person who likes Manning, there is a person who hates him with every inch of their being. I'd gladly get infected with ebola, cancer, and swine flu if it would guarantee that Peyton Manning would never appear on TV again.

Now you know that I hate the guy but you don't understand why. So, on to my point. If you formed a list of the all time great QB's, Peyton Manning would not be on it. What? I'm biased? Well don't take my word for it. Let's look at some cold hard facts.

If you look at Peyton's playoff numbers alone, you'd think the guy was a bum. 7 wins, 8 losses, and 22 Passing TD's vs. 17 Interceptions. That's a ratio of 1.2/1 for touchdowns to interceptions in the playoffs. And this guy is supposed to be great? You know who else has a ratio of 1.2/1 in the playoffs? Jake Delhomme. Yeah, exactly.

Sure Peyton can beat the crap out of the hapless Titans, Jaguars, and Texans and throw 6 touchdowns everytime. Wow. You're awesome. Then he plays a real defense and gets shut out. No greater example of this can be found than the 2004 season. Yep. The season in which Peyton threw 49 TD's. You know who the Colts played? The almighty Titans, Jaguars, and Texans twice and the Lions, Raiders, and Bears, oh my! What a bunch of crap. Funny how the Colts put up only 3 points against the Patriots in the playoffs that year. Another typical Peyton Manning choke job.

The guy is destined to be that QB who can slaughter a mediocre team and then choke in the playoffs. Sound familiar Dolphins fans? Remember a guy by the name of Marino? Wait?! Surely, Dan Marino is one of the greatest QB's of all time. He just had no running game and no defense right? Hardly. Danny boy had a TD to INT ratio of 1.3/1- 32 TD/24 INT. Are we sounding more familiar now? Manning is just the modern version of Dan Marino. Big players play big in big games. The others just choke their asses off. Marino in the playoffs? 8-10 (44%) to Manning's 7-8 (46%). Nearly identical.

But didn't Manning guide his team to a Super Bowl in 2006?

If by "guide" you mean throw 3 TD's and 7 INT's in the playoffs and have a QB rating of 70.5 then yes I guess he did. The 2006 Colts won in spite of Manning - not because of him. Even then, the Colts only won because a) they played Chicago and b) the Patriots had 0 receivers of any talent.

So what do "Great" QB numbers look like? Just look at Tom Brady and Joe Montana. Their playoff records? 14-3 (82%) and 16-7 (69%) respectively. TD/Int ratio in the playoffs? 25-12 and 45-21 (2.1%) Super Bowl rings? 3 and 4

compared to Manning's and Marino's: Their playoff records? 7-8 (46%) and 8-10 (44%) respectively. TD/Int ratio in the playoffs? 22-17 and 32-24 (1.2%) Super Bowl rings? 1 and 0

Manning's numbers are awful in the playoffs and they eerily resemble Marino's. You cannot argue that. You can reel off regular season stats until you're blue in the face. I don't want to hear it. Super Bowls are won and lost in the playoffs. The NFL playoffs are where real players rise to another level. It's where good players become great and great players become legendary. It's also where seemingly good QB's like Manning get knocked down a few pegs.

Still not convinced? You need another kick in the balls? Ok.

Here's two numbers for you: 18 and 3.

You know what they represent? 18 is the number of pro bowl seasons Peyton Manning's WRs, RBs, and TEs have combined. 3 is the number of pro bowl seasons for Brady's skill guys. That's just disgusting. Not only has Tom Brady far outplayed Manning, but he's done it with considerably less talent.

So you have a guy in Peyton Manning who is literally SURROUNDED by all-pro after all-pro and he still can't make it work? What more does this guy need? What's his excuse? I want to hear it. If Brady had that kind of talent, he'd have 8 Super Bowls right now.

Oh and while we're on the subject, somebody please tell me what Deion Branch, David Givens, Dan Grahm, David Patten, Reche Caldwell, and Jabbar Gaffney have accomplished since leaving New England? I'll give you a hint - it's equal to my knowledge of quantum warp drives. And if you still think Peyton Manning is one of the best to ever play the game then it's equal to your IQ as well.

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Eli Manning - written by Glassman

Few people will argue that Eli Manning is a great QB but I'm going to argue that he's not even good. He's just average. Like his big brother Peyton, Eli is grossly overrated. In fact, I wouldn't have a need to write this article if Eli's last name was Smith, Jones, or some other common last name. It's because his last name is Manning that he even gets mentioned in the same breath as Peyton or any other QB who is above average.

Now because opinions don't count for much, I'm going to stick to facts with Eli just like I did with Peyton. No, not the kind of facts the NFL seems to invent to make the Mannings seem better - like the fact that Peyton has the 2nd most 300 yard passing games to start a season - I'm talking about facts that actually matter. For example, how you perform in the playoffs.

Where Peyton's numbers resembled Marino's in scary fashion, Eli's numbers resemble Michael Vick's. Yes, I'm serious. Let's take a look.

Here are Eli's and Vick's numbers in the playoffs: Completion% - 59% and 57% TDs/Ints - 8/7 and 4/4 (about a 1/1 ratio) Wins/Losses - 4-3 and 2-2 (57% and 50%)

Here are their numbers in the regular season too just for fun: Completion% - 56% and 54% TDs/Ints - 108/76 and 71/52 (1.42/1 and 1.36/1) Wins/Losses - 42-29 and 38-28-1 (59% and 58%)

The scariest part about all of this isn't the unmistakable similarities, it's the fact that Eli has better receivers, tight ends, running backs, and a better defense. Yep. Eli Manning is surrounded by far more talent and yet, like his brother Peyton, has only been able to produce numbers similar to Michael Vicks. Congratulations Eli. Start preparing your hall of fame speech right now.

But doesn't Eli Manning have a Super Bowl ring?

Well, Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson have Super Bowl rings too but I don't see anyone stroking their nuts do I? You know what else Dilfer and Brad have in common with Eli? They had Powerhouse defenses that did all the real work in their Super Bowl victories. Eli, Dilfer, and Brad just managed the game and didn't fuck anything up. Big deal. That makes them great? I could've inserted 17 other QB's into that same role and still won the Super Bowl.

The only reason you hear about Eli is because his last name is "Manning". When the Ravens (Dilfer) and Bucs (Johnson) won the Super Bowl, who got the MVP? Ray Lewis and Dexter Jackson. Defensive guys. When Eli managed his way to a win just like Dilfer and Johnson surely the Giants front of Tuck, Umeniyora, and Strahan would get the MVP right? Wrong. They GAVE it to Eli. It makes me want to puke.

Now Dilfer's numbers were not great when he managed his Super Bowl win but Brad Johnson's look almost identical to Eli Manning's. I swear I did not make these up. Check Pro Football Reference!

Here are Eli's and Brad Johnson's Super Bowl stats: Comp/Att - 19/34 and 18/34 Yards - 255 and 215 TDs - 2 and 2 Ints - 1 and 1

Wait, but didn't Manning have that play to Tyree?

Are you serious? You mean the one where he just threw up a prayer and hoped for the best. Yeah, what a great throw. I could've done that too. That pass reeked of desparation. 99.9% of that play was made by David Tyree. The other 0.01% was the Patriots defense laying an egg.

Moving on, let's not forget one the best parts about Eli Manning. He was drafted by the San Diego Chargers. Oh did you forget that? Or maybe it's just that the NFL "conveniently" forgets to mention it. Eli cried himself to sleep every night until his mother made those mean Chargers trade him to the Giants. What a baby. The sad irony of it is that Phillip Rivers turned out to be a better QB than Eli could ever hope to be. Had the Giants just stuck with him, they might have some more Super Bowl rings.

There is no doubt in my mind that Peyton Manning is going to the hall of fame. With Eli, I have this sick feeling like he'll get in there too just because Peyton did and then the NFL can feed us some sobby bull shit story about brothers who made the hall of fame. What a joke.

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Philip Rivers - written by Ponch Diggity

Philip Rivers is THE definition of a douchebag quarterback. The guy doesn't have an ounce of class. The Chargers could be leading by 75 points, and he'll still find time to talk trash to the other team. Hell, he'll talk dump to the little old lady in the second row.

And surprise, surprise, he's a sore loser too. I'm sure you all remember what ensued after the 2006 Divisional game against the Pats. A bunch of the Pats players ran to the middle of the Chargers logo and did the "lights out" dance. Right on cue, Rivers is gettin' in their face, saying, "Act like you've won a game before!" Did he forget that it was a playoff game, and kiiiind of a big deal?


It's not all Rivers' fault though. It's part of a being a San Diego Charger.

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Ben Roethlisberger - written by Dustin

Roethlisberger: (Noun,Verb) [Pronunciation: /Roth-lis-bur-ger/ Etymology: From the 11th century Germanic word of the same spelling used to describe the female reproductive organ. Usage: "Wow that douchebag at the bar was a total Roethlisberger"]

1. A ridiculously overrated Quarterback in the NFL who inspires the hopelessly destitute proletariat of Pittsburgh, PA to forget their dull factory jobs and cesspool of a city every Sunday afternoon.

2. To sexually assault your maid while staying at a hotel just because you assume every woman wants you and your horrible quarterback rating in two Super Bowl appearances.

3. Dan Dierdorf and John Madden's binky.

4. To assume that ones' overrated status grants one abilities beyond the average person (such as riding extremely powerful motorcycles in city traffic with no possible ill consequence).

That sucking sound you hear coming from the sets of CBS and Fox NFL Sunday is the collective NFL punditry fellating "Big Ben"™ Roethlisberger. Speaking ill of "Big Ben"™ is a cardinal sin as far as the likes of James Brown, Dan Marino, Bill Cowher (surprise), Terry Bradshaw, and Shannon Sharpe (I think…CIA translators have only caught up to what he said week 7 of 2004) are concerned. If these dingbats actually had an ounce of credibility they would come to the obvious conclusion that Roethelsomething is ridiculously overrated. Instead they prance around calling him "Ben" or "Big Ben" ™, lauding his toughness and leadership, waxing poetic about how he's the love child of Sammy Baugh and Bronco Nagurski, and basically acting like they are all best friends who just went to Reno together and sexually assaulted a hotel worker. The first name thing really pisses me off, I mean is it just because it's monosyllabic? Every time Dierdorf says "there is an incomplete pass by Ben" I want to punch him in his also ridiculously overrated hall of fame face.

Sorry I digress, the real crux of the issue here is that "Ben" just isn't that good. I get it Steeler fans the "buuuut he's got twooo rings!" argument is cute; to wit, Jim Plunkett has two and he's also an overrated douche. Somewhere out in the frozen woods of Minnesota Fran Tarkenton must be burning number seven jerseys in effigy. If Tarkenton had a Troy Polamalu led defense (no offense to the purple people eaters) and receivers who had horseshoes up their asses like Santonio Holmes, he would have won a handful of Super Bowls. Not to mention the fact that Tarkenton never got to square up against two woefully inferior football teams led by quarterbacks who made the captain of the Titanic look like a smooth operator. 9-21 for 123 yards (lowest SB winning QB rating ever…yep even worse than Trent Dilfer) in Super Bowl XL and 21-30 for 256 (Nice improvement "Ben"!) in Super Bowl XLIII does not a top ten ever quarterback make. The point is that in both Super Bowls a retarded monkey on acid could have led the Steelers to victory…Thanks defense! Fran Tarkenton with similar playoff numbers (not good I'll admit) is considered a huge goat and doesn't get the honor of being called "Fran" by Dan Dierdorf.

The other thing that makes me wish "Big Ben" ™ hadn't been wearing a helmet in that motorcycle accident…oh wait…is this whole "he takes good sacks!" bullshit. He basically runs around like a Neanderthal when he could throw the ball away, then he either forces it and is intercepted or gets hit. He's like Bledsoe trying to be Michael Vick (pre-pitbulls). Plus he looks about as graceful as Frankenstein's monster. Somewhere out there Tarkenton (who did for scrambling what Michelangelo did for the Cistine Chapel) is pissed. Sure every once in a while the blind squirrel finds a nut (see: Santonio Holmes) and Dierdorf goes into ecstasy, but for the most part he just hurts his team. This goes hand in hand with his perceived "Toughness"™. If you have to basically leak the information that you played with a broken rib or a 102 fever after the fact you won a game you are not tough, you are a complete douchebag. Today after I teach my class I'm going to walk into the principals office and tell him that I taught the whole thing with a migraine then watch his face enter "I don't give a shit you pussy" territory.

In the end this all comes down to perception and reality. The NFL pundits and Steeler fans will go gaga over his awful scrambling, 23 interception a year, and padding his stats with YAC. They will splooge themselves every time he throws across his body and for some reason the football gods choose not to punish such a technically unsound throw. They will shout with glee about how "he takes good sacks!", plays with "toughness"™ through injuries he makes up two days later, and how "he's a winner…just look at the two rings his ridiculously good defense and inept opponents won him". In the end they don't care that he has the worst QB rating for a Super Bowl winning quarterback in history because he "makes plays". He's their binky, he's their buddy, and they can call him "Ben"…just don't call him one of the greats, give me Fran Tarkenton any day.

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Tom Brady - written by Dan

So why do I hate Tom Brady? Well let me answer your question with a question. Why does any guy hate their lying ex girlfriend? Because THEY ARE A BITCH. You'd be hard-pressed to find a "bitchier" quarterback (save Ryan Leaf) then Tom "Terrific". Now I don't mean bitch in the sense that he cries in interviews like Terrell Owens, because let's face it he's just another Belichick robot there. Saying one of two things "Well they made more plays than us, got to make more plays." OR "I thought we executed well tonight, the guys did a nice job making enough plays for us to win." What I mean he's just a bitch that put a dollar into the machine at the arcade and got 50 dollars worth of tokens. Don't understand the analogy? read on.

Let's start in 01, when he first comes in to replace Bledsoe. Make no mistake about it that defense was crazy. It was the same defense essentially that we've seen in New England up until this year. Translation, the geezers we've seen in Pats uniforms for the better part of a decade on the defensive side of the ball were IN THEIR PRIME. The Pats, as any team would do that year changed their offense a little to cater to a backup quarterback "getting his feet wet" so to speak. The offense featured a dink and dunk style of play, it worked with some success. Tom Brady was asked simply not to lose games, and be carried ALA Jay Fiedler by his defense. He did this job fairly well UNTIL the AFC Divisional Playoffs of course. When he did what all backup quarterbacks are not supposed to do, he had a key turnover on a fumble with the game on the line. Or DID HE? After watching my dad throw off his Pats Jersey in disgust thinking the game was surely over, despite a desperation challenge by Fagichick. The refs came back and introduced us to a rule that we've never heard of, the TUCK RULE. Which apparently states, if a QB pump fakes and then fumbles, it is incomplete. I picked up my dads jersey and handed it to him, not knowing that this would be the start of a dynasty, that would center my hatred around one wide-eyed kid wearing # 12. Who had clearly just blown a game, had it not been for one ambitious ref. You know the story from here Vinateri in the snow against Oakland, they beat STL win 3 superbowls out of 4, whoo hoo Go Pats Bro! The year after the tuck rule was made official and explained further, so now fumbles can be considered incomplete passes for quarterbacks who pump fake alot... or at least quarterbacks named Brady. The guy has won 3 superbowls on the back of a solid system and great defense, and people are ready to call him the best ever.. by people I mean compeltely biased Pats/Red Sox/Bruins "YAAAAH GUY" sports Fans.

Speaking of the system, let's talk about it. It is a spread offense, that admittingly Brady runs very very well. However, with weapons that he boasted in the season every "Tommy O'Brien" Pats Fan you know talks about 2007. How could he not run it well? Welker over the middle, a rejuvinated Moss up top, a pre-criminal Donte Stallworth. Brady Quinn could have quarterbacked that team, and I mean that in the meanest way possible. Don't believe me "bro" enter 2008. Brady goes down in the first quarter of the first game. Who replaces him? A kid who has not started a football game since High School. He preceeds to lead NE to an 11-5 record on this system, putting up pro-bowl numbers. Is it because Matt Cassell spoke to the god of football talent? Of course not! It's a good system, WR Screens, quick routes, draw plays GREAT FUCKING PLAYERS. As a result Cassell gets a fat check in KC, and we've all seen how well that has gone. Who would have known that a St. Louis defensive back who once uttered "Tom Brady.. overrated" would have been absolutely correct! Are we starting to get the analogy with the tokens yet?

Speaking of 2008, we have already touched on the special treatment the "tuck rule" game brought about. Let's talk about the injury suffered at the hands of Bernard Pollard. So Brady went down, big fucking deal. The world didn't end, the sun came up the next day, and as I mentioned NE behind a QB who held a clipboard for the last 8 some odd years led the team to 11 wins. Brady rehabbed and he was scheduled to come back this year, couldn't that have been enough? OF COURSE NOT! "It's Tom Brady GUY, we need JUSTICE, on those cocksuckaahs that busted his knee BRO!" Well I'm not sure about justice, but the injury led to several new additions to the roughing the passer call. Additions that are already ruining football. In just 4 weeks of this young season in several games, we have seen the pussiest roughing the passer calls known to man. Do people realize that guys use to play this game with no helmets? Now it is essentially illegal for a Defensive End to give a Quarterback a pat on the head for a job well done after he throws, without a flag flying. So not only is Tom Brady overrated, not only does he get a ridiculous amount of breaks, but now he is considered so "sacred" that the second he goes down, there are new rules that turn the NFL into powder puff football. Shit even powder puff football girls, are calling him a pussy.

Finally, let's just talk about some of the other quick reasons I hate New Englands golden boy. First of all, it makes me want to puke when I see him on the field trying to get pumped up. Headbutting all his teammates like he was sneaking little pecks on all their noses. I'm sure I'm not the only one that is just waiting for the day that he "Gus Ferrotes" himself on one of his linemans gigantic heads, and knocks himself out cold. Although if that happened, there would be a 15 yard penalty for teams trying to get pumped up before games. Another thing I hate, is that stupid "OH SHIT the snap went over my head" motion he does when they run direct snaps to the running back. Nobody thinks the snap went over your head you fucking douchebag, you might as well say the snap is going to the running back, because the same result will happen. It's annoying to have to hear Pats Fans after such plays go, "did you see Brady fake that, was a huge reason that play worked bro." Point being the guy gets credit for things he doesnt even have a part in. I once heard a Pats Fan say last year that Cassell is doing so well because of Brady's "leadaship." To which I almost spit out my beer on. I bet those guys are like "I just mastabated bro, thank god Tom Brady was here on my computah screen to help!" I mean seriously "leadership" are you fucking kidding? The dude was nowhere to be found with his now wife Giselle. Come on he's Tom Brady he doesn't have to support his team if he's not playing. He's got things to do like marry Giselle and "raise" his child out of wedlock. (Which by the way nobody seems to care about, but Travis Henry makes one mistake..or 20.. and he's the worst person in the world.) Or how about the arrogance, prime example.. Superbowl Media Day for the game against the Giants (great game by the way wasn't it?) Brady was told of Plaxico Burress' prediction of 20-17 Giants. Brady gave an "are you fucking serious" look and then retorted "we're only going to score 17 points, is Plax playing defense." The game as you know finished 17-14 Giants. Plax didn't play defense. Brady was awful, and on his back more than Bill Belichicks mistresses. One thing you'll notice I did not mention was spygate, I put that more on the hooded one then on Brady (there you go Tom, one more break for you.. like you need it.)

To conclude, the next time you hear a Pats Fan who wants to tell you that Tom Brady is the best QB of all time. Ask him why? He will of course say the superbowls, then remind him that Trent Dilfer has a superbowl ring. Whether Pats fans accept it or not, Dilfer and Brady got their rings the same way. It is the little word that they say "wins championships" defense. Not saying Tom didn't play his part in a QB friendly system, because he did behind the best offensive line in the league at the time. Anytime this guy faces pressure though, 2009 Jets, 2007 Giants, Any year Dolphins (had to sneak that in) The guy has some of the worst performances ever seen, and sometimes even tries to throw passes from his ass that get intercepted (last one.) The point is Tom Brady is a good quarterback (I know I took the scenic route to that statement,) but the guy is certainly not worthy of the verbal blow jobs he gets week in and week out. It still remains to be seen how good he will be post-injury, it is clear he is not as "Shaaap" as he once was. Despite his skill though, I hate him to the very core of his existence. The question I leave you all with, having said that is.. why Steve McNair? Why not Tom Brady?... Too soon?