NFL Uniform Rankings

A good way to kill some more time before Super Bowl XLIX... one man's take on all 32 uniforms.  I welcome all assaults on this list and what I messed up!  I grouped them into tiers because in all honesty, if you asked me this in six months I probably wouldn't be able to exactly duplicate the list but I would have definitive groups of what are best and worst.

Tier 1 - Nike's abortions

32. Jaguars
31. Bucs

The decision on which uniform sucked a larger peen was pretty tough.  Do I select the Jaguars who have an awful set of colors that don't go together in black, teal, and gold or the Bucs who took what was a great uniform in red & pewter and turned it into the present joke that it currently is?  Ultimately I can't get past the two tone helmet of the Jags which is such a shitty look.  I honestly think this might be an inside job by the Jags owner to make the team sooooo sucky and soooo ugly that he can push aside all (any?) of the Jacksonville fans then move them to London.

30. Seahawks

The Seahawks uniforms to me seem like Oregon's in that they are polarizing.  You are either a total knob who loves bright colors and lame patterns or you have eyes that work.  I will give this to the Seahawks, they were the first squad to embrace the Nike toolbag design while coupling it with a very successful team on the field.  For my list and my opinion however.... these suck.

Tier 2 - Ohio's Uglyness

29. Bengals
28. Browns

Did you know that Paul Brown was an iconic Cleveland Browns coach who later founded the Cincinnati Bengals?  He basically was a part of the Brown's bland/shitty orange & brown scheme and thought they were so awesome (?) that he brought pretty much the same look to Cincy.   In 1981 the Bengals changed to the look that we all know them as - the stupid bengal striped helmet.  Either way, this state possesses some ugly ass unis.

* Note I THINK the Browns are redoing their unis for 2015.  However, since Nike is designing them, that will likely move them backwards into the Jags/Bucs/Shawks category.

Tier 3 - Go back to the drawing board

28. Titans
27. Falcons

These two uniforms pretty much represent what was edgy/cool around 2000.  Wow the Titans have two tones on the shoulder!!!  Is this hockey??? Pick a blue and run with it!  One blue!  And the flaming T logo is lousy too.

The Falcons have some OUTSTANDING throwbacks when they wear the Red Helmet with the black simple jersey.  A move back to this would probably vault them into the top 10.  Go back to it!!!!!!

Tier 4 - My favorite show can say this better than I.

25. Panthers

Oh the 1990's where teal ruled the world.  The Panthers, Jaguars, San Jose Sharks, Florida Marlins, Pistons, Jazz, Hornets, and so many other teams embraced this very 90's look.  Most of the teams got the memo that the era is over but Carolina might need to click that link above again.

Tier 5 - So-so redesigns.......

24. Vikings
23. Dolphins

While not my favorite uniforms, the original Vikings and Dolphins uniforms from the Fran Tarkenton/Larry Csonka time were pretty decent.  They each took on a unique color pallet.  The Vikings wore purple with yellow trim while the Dolphins rocked the Floridian Blueish/Greenish & Orange.  Each team then reworked their uniforms wicked crappily and were right to make a change.  While the new unis are.... ok (maybe?)  Outside of the Miami all whites at home they are mostly average at best.

Tier 6 - They are ok, sorta... I guess????

22. Broncos
21. Ravens
20. Texans
19. Cardinals

The Broncos changed their unis in 1997 and my initial reaction was that they were the ugliest things on the planet.  Since then I've softened my feelings and even kind of like the road look.  I'm not calling for throwbacks here since those light blue/orange John Elway unis were ugly as fuck.  I do like the recent nod to the orange history but why do they have to go traffic cone-fluorescent ass-hunting gear-need my fucking sunglasses to watch the game-orange????

The Ravens have an ok look, it is at least unique (purple/black).  I think they can ditch the shadowy numbers and gold trim.  Meh.

The Texans have the quintessential wimpiest most conservative uni design ever but coming from a red state filled with fat white guys who like to play it safe it makes sense.

The Cardinals unis have some potential, the red really popped in SB 43 but there is just way too much going on in the sleeves and sides of the jersey.  Simply man, simplify.

Tier 7 - C'mon go back to your throwbacks full time!!!!

18. Rams
17. Eagles
16. Patriots
15. Lions

I really just wanted to group the Rams in this category, their present uniforms blow.  They tried to ride that greatest show on turf crap into some slick new design when in fact their yellow/blue look - the road uniform especially - were already a thing of beauty.  A potential move back to Los Angeles gives me hope that the Rams will do the right thing.

The Eagles are also rumored to be going back to the Green/Silver classic look that Randall Cunningham made famous.  That too would be a strong upgrade over their ok/decent/not terrible design they presently wear.

I don't even think I have to mention how ridiculously awesome the Pat-Patriot throwback uniform and logo are.  Some people say it is synonymous with the sucky years and it is hard to argue that.  However, the NFL has also recently nixed wearing most throwbacks on account of teams needing to wear the same helmets every week (supposedly that will help fight concussions??? I know sounds like a load of crap to me too).  So we can't get those beautiful red unis sprinkled in 2 or 3 times a year.  Do we want to see the flying elvis and a uniform design that is a B at best or these?  Cmon!!!!

The Lions look hasn't changed a whole lot, they just made the numbers look stupid and outlined everything in black.  No need, go back to Barry's uni.

 Tier 8 - Juuuuuuuuuust a cut below the best

14. Chargers
13. Bills
12. Saints
11. Giants
10. Redskins

Dear Chargers, Powder Blue + Numbers on the White Helmet = #1.  The Navy Blue has only submarined the franchise.

The Bills 2002-2010ish uniforms were so fucking ugly.  They finally fired Stevie Wonder and went back to a look that is very reminiscent of their old AFL days (and murdering RB days).

If the Saints ditch the black pants and just rock the gold they would be top 10.  But the gold/black together, a thing of beauty, and also an outstanding logo.

The Giants changing back to their original unis in 2000 was a solid move.  They even unveiled white pants at home in 2012 or 2013.  Go with this full time!

Let's set aside the naming controversy in Washington and just take a look at colors that go together beautifully.  The maroon/yellow (I don't call yellow, gold FYI) design is an outstanding look.  The only thing Dan Snyder has done right in his ownership tenure is rock the yellow pants full time.

Tier 9 - The Classics

It should be painfully clear at this point that I like traditional uniforms and teams that don't need to fuck around with their design just so some dorky 15 y/o kids buy the unis.  A billion bonus points if I watch NFL Network and see the Ice Bowl Green Bay vs Dallas then turn to Fox that afternoon and see the same two teams with the same two uniforms.  These top 9 are more or less how I feel at any given time so don't get your panties wrinkled if you don't quite agree here cuz there is a case to be made for all nine.  If any of these nine teams play one another you are in for an aesthetically pleasing 3 1/2 hours.

9. Jets

I know we hate the Jets but their decision to go back to the Broadway Joe look over their bland green helmet era was genius.  Their all whites are definitely the best look and the all greens threaten to move them back into the 20's with shit bags like the Titans and Bengals.

8. Chiefs

A nice simple classic design that has pretty much stayed the same since the team moved to Kansas City. There is not much more red on this list so if it's your color the Chiefs vs any of the top tier teams is a nice sight.  Their best look is the white uniforms with red pants.

7. Cowboys

The Cowboys can be a bit of a polarizing set of uniforms to uni enthusiasts.  They generally wear their whites at home and because most other teams go color at home the Cowboys wear white 90% of the time.  The white uniform, while a classic, is a little goofy in that the jersey blue doesn't match the helmet blue and their pants are like bluey/silvery in color.  The "road" uniform is sharp like a mothafucka.  All the blues match and the pants aren't a weird color.  The logo/helmet are probably the best in the league.

6. Packers

Do green and yellow really go together all that well??? Eh, nah not really.  Are these uniforms a mf'ing classic?  Yes.  Lombardi, Starr, Lambeau Field, all the championships... the Packers logo/uniforms are just as big a part of all this history.  The home uniform is their best look.

5. Colts

Now since that dweeb Peyton Manning is gone we can really get back to focusing on just how classic and clean the Colts look is.  Outside of their despicably cowardice midnight move from Baltimore to Indy this is a franchise with a ton of history but always the same great look.  The home blues, and the lack of having 25,000 colors - blue/white, that's it - makes this a top 5 uniform.

4. Bears

While the Bears colors are a bit weird - navy blue and what.. is that orange? pinkish orange?  brown? - they definitely match the image of a tough, hard nosed franchise with a killer defense playing in that muddy shithole Soldier Field.  I can practically see Mike Ditka, Gale Sayers, Dick Butkus, and Walter Payton any time the Bears are on.

Note:  Jay Cutler throwing 100 picks and sulking reminds me of none of the above, but just work with me here.

Sometimes the Bears try to be stupid and wear Blue on Blue or an Orange Jersey but really their simple home/road combos are equally outstanding.  One last thing, the Bears were the original unique numbering font team.  Any team without blocky fonts owes this innovation to the Bears.

3. 49ers

The Red and Gold 49ers colors are a thing of sheer beauty.  Couple that with tons of super bowls and success and you have a top 3 uniform.  It hasn't been all great, though, from 1996-2008 the 49ers went all shadowy/blackish stupidness.  Is it any coincidence that when they went back to the classic look they began having success again?

Their best look is unquestionably the home reds.  

2. Steelers

The black and gold (yellow)  is a ridiculously nice look.  Just donning this uniform instantly makes you a tough ass bastard who plays ferocious defense (or it makes you a rapist qb).  Like the Boston Bruins, I like the white uniform best but both home/away are great.

The ridiculous pinstripe throwback makes me wanna vom my tits off for days but thanks to our aforementioned helmet rules we aren't able to see some much nicer classics.

1. Raiders

Hey the Raiders may suck, they may cheat, they may have had a crypt keeper looking unlikable mothafucker owner who burned every conceivable bridge.  They may have fans that really ought to be in prison rather than allowed into society, but gah-damn they got nice uniforms.  Talk about an identify (pre-horrible suckage).  Silver & Black.